My gift.

Everybody seemed to be giving other people things for Christmas but I didn't know what to do.

I couldn't go shopping by myself and I know they don't eat hay. They don't seem to play with cardboard boxes and they never share my breakfast. I don't know how to cut up fruit for them or put it on a plate. I couldn't help them to hang up decorations and I had nothing to wrap in pretty paper to put under the tree.

I was so unhappy then I had a really good idea. I could leave them something special on Christmas morning after all. Something I know they really like. Something they always wrap up and take away to keep.I left two pieces of my very own poo on the kitchen floor instead of in the utility room! It was the first thing they saw when they came downstairs and the smile on their faces told me I had done the right thing.

"Thank you, Harve," they said and gave me a big Christmas kiss.

There is no hope of Harvey realising he should eat his caecotrophs for further nutrition. He doesn't need to as a house bunny and any inherent racial memory of this no longer exists. He has none of the true rabbit needs. He occasionally goes into his cardboard box if he feels like chewing it but prefers to lie at our feet or, in this winter weather, in front of the fire or under the kitchen table where the heating pipes run. He is a perfect companion animal. Apart from the poo on the floor once a day!!

Why?

I am a deprived rabbit. I have no hutch in the house, I have no haystacks in the house to bury myself in and I have no large bunches of carrots hanging from hooks at rabbit height in every room for me to munch on all day long.
Can I go on living like this? Should I consult the European Court of Rabbit Rights?
Why can't I have my own TV? Why do I have to wait for my tea at a certain time of day instead of when I feel like it?Even when I sit in the place they know is my teatime spot they still don't take the hint. Why do I have to tolerate my back end being checked every day? Why do I have to put up with all the hugs and kisses all day long? Why can't they keep stroking my face and ears for hours on end instead of just for the odd half an hour or so? Most of all why can't I have my Christmas sock NOW?
Harve has had a few of his old problems with his digestive system and has felt a bit grumpy and out of sorts. Probiotics in his drinking water for four days has sorted it and things seem to be back to normal.

Cushions and Me

It's been another busy day in front of the camera. A very famous designer came to take pictures of me to use on a cushion. I was photographed from all angles so she could get the feel of a rabbit. Of course I look good from all sides but I let her get on with it and sat as still as I could for her. She wondered what the bit sticking out was when she looked at me sideways. It was my nose! I know it's pretty flat but that was gong a bit too far.Mind you, I'm used to the things humans come out with but it still amazes me each time.
If you Google Anna Steiner you can find out about her work. She has done lots of theatre and opera stuff so I might get the chance to tread the boards one of these days. I can sing reasonably well when I hear words like Teatime or Carrots. I'm sure somebody could work those words into an aria. They sing about much sillier things than that.

I'm sleeping most of the time these days. Probably because I'm going to be eight next year. We older buns are just like old dogs and cats. We dream a lot about the days when we could leap about and run about for hours on end. I still play in the evening and I'm very careful about my bathroom habits. Well, these things are important when you are a house bunny. Especially one who has modelled for a cushion.

Harvey is eating and poohing just as he should and the vet is very pleased with him but we miss the hectic, exocet missile type behaviour. The kitten days are over. He is becoming very staid but content and very loving.

http://www.annasteiner.com/

Cold Feet?

My table is wearing socks! No, really. It gave me a bit of a surprise so I sidled up to it, sat beside it, sniffed and wandered round a couple of times in case I was seeing things but socks they were. I think it must be a new fashionable idea. I've heard the Victorians put skirts on their tables to hide the legs but this is ridiculous. It wouldn't matter so much if the socks matched but they don't. I might try to pull them off when nobody is looking. I can do it with real feet quite satisfactorily.I told one of my best friends about it. He is my blue dust-catcher who thoughtfully picks up any bits I might have mislaid. I'm quite attached to him. I like the noise he makes and I always run in to see what he is doing. He's probably some sort of relation because he smells just like me. Anyway, he had nothing to say about the socks so I am no further forward solving the mystery.

Harvey has never been a destructive bunny but he seems to have decided these feet need a good licking. Must find something else for him to play with in the evening.

Battle stations.

They've tried it on again! There's been another Timothy Hay invasion into my bowl of dried grass but it failed miserably thanks to your hero! I like my dried grass. I'm used to my dried grass. It's just a nice, comfortable size for my mouth and I can snuggle my nose into it to breath in its perfumed delights without getting prickled by ends of hay. I can rest my chin in it while I munch. Mmmm.

It's out now anyway. I chucked it overnight so they weren't there to interfere. Sorted.

Some things I can't do anything about though. No matter how much I object at the time they still take me to see my vet. I bounce, I sing, I eat and drink, I keep myself clean, I'm a happy, healthy sober bun in his eighth year but they still do it. Why? Have they got money to burn?

This time it's for another myxi jab. I had one six months ago but the powers that be have decided it should be every six months especially now I am an older chap.. The disease is getting so clever at changing it's attack mode.Some rabbits who have had one jab are still getting infected but my vet says he has seen much less of the disease with two injections so here I am again. My treat is dried apple skins at the moment so things aren't too bad.
On top of that, they decided I should have my back end shaved. How degrading is this?

The myxi vaccine is not produced from the myxi virus but from the fibroma virus, a close relation. This means the myxi vaccine is the same every year but the virus is crafty. It mutates like human flu. It's a shape shifter. Some years it is close to the fibroma vaccine, others not. This is why when inoculated your bunny can have 100% protection one year or only 70% another. At least this means it has a chance of surviving the disease. Non vaccinated buns have no chance.

While a 12 monthly injection was thought to be sufficient it is now considered it should be given every six months which gives a higher antibody response and anyway the vaccine only lasts for 6 months.
The fleas and flies that transmit the virus are out there in town and country just waiting to feed on your bunny and inject the virus. Make an appointment with your vet now. Our pets are worth it.

The dreaded Myxi.

Myxi is about again. We had email from the Rabbit Welfare Association asking us to let people know. Some humans don't understand that the virus can be spread by a bite from a flea who happens to be wandering by, looking for a cosy place in somebody's fur to spend the winter. How can we bunnies know when there might be one hopping around when we pop outside to check the weather or sneak a few of the last Ena Harkness rose petals? Better to have the jab. It doesn't hurt a bit and then I get a treat when I get home. I don't eat it straight away of course. I always leave it for a minute or two so they realise I can't be blackmailed.

My vet Simon always lets me know when it's time to pay him a visit. I will probabaly live to a ripe old age because I always do as I'm told. Well, some of the time. Well, occasionally. Well, now and then.

Anyway, we're worth it.Time to sort my space for winter evening relaxing. I'm not allowed to scrabble though. I can sort the cushions and pull the arm cover about but I'm not allowed to scrabble the seat. Can't understand their reasoning. Why can't they think like a rabbit? It works for me.

A close shave.

Nose rubs are the bees knees. I just lie there in a trance for as long as I can until I hear things like Oh my back or I think I'm stuck in this position for ever. Why all the fuss I'd like to know. We're the same age give or take a bunny year and I can still binkie, speed run and creep under the bed without any bother whatsoever. Why can't they? Poor quality animals these humans.

I had a close shave last week. It makes me shiver just to think about it. Molly, the cat down the-lane sneaked in through my front door while M was packing the car ready to go away for a few days. Luckily for me she ran straight upstairs. After they left, Pauline -the-Postie who was looking after me spotted her peering through the bedroom window and chased her out. The cheek of it. I can't bear to think what might have happened if she had come into the kitchen. She is a real hunter. Cats have no consideration for other people. Now we can't leave the door open to get a blow of fresh air. It's time they were kept in hutches at the bottom of the garden and visited once a day. See how they like that!

I have been tidied up. My alfalfa spray was spreading itself about on the carpet...nothing to do with me you understand...but it's in a shoe box now. I have to jump in and out to get at it. I wonder if they think I need more excercise?

Censored!

I am now Harve-the-Googleable! What fame. What world-wide appreciation and what superb literary taste somebody has. My first diary entry was in April 2007 so it has taken me over two and a half years to reach this pinnacle of success.

My family says the thing responsible for this new-found prominence is a spider! It creeps about inside my computer checking for unwholesome stuff and it found me because it thought I was something to do with human bunny girls. Of course I used to be a furry person of great sexual standing until they took me to the vet but we won't go into that.

I bet you it was an American spider. Not the sharpest tool in the shed I would guess. Anyway fame by association will have to do for now until somebody decides to publish me. I wonder if Ms Rowling has found me yet? I wonder if there are such things as rabbit bunnygirls?

Is that a sprout leaf in my dish? Yuk.

Autumn Hazards

Apples are dangerous at this time of year.They fall from the sky, you know. It can be a bit dodgy if I happen to be hopping along in the garden minding my own business looking for dandelion leaves or squashed plums. Don't they know I'm a ground animal and never potter about with my head in the air expecting apples to drop in unannounced? Why should I? They should have more consideration for folk like me. It's much safer in the house in Autumn. I can climb onto the back of the sofa and stay one step ahead of things like apples while I'm mountaineering. That way I can make sure they stay firmly in their fruit bowl.

Mind you, damsons can be a bit unpredictable as well. I was quietly dozing in one of my boxes listening to them drip through thier muslin cradle over the sink ready to make damson jelly when suddenly they took off, flew through the air and splattered everything. The mush hit the walls, the floor and my boxes. It smothered M who was getting jam jars ready and oozed its way down the sides of the cupboards. It's no good telling humans about the dangers of fruit.

They have to find these things out for themselves.

Chicken Licken knew what he was talking about.

This and That

Phew. What a windy day. I was blown all up the wrong way in the garden so I scooted inside to finish my flower arrangements.

Now, I'm your man but I do like an attractive and tasteful flower arrangement. This one is called Lobster Pot. I change it about every day so it never looks the same. Good isn't it? And the special thing about it, if you look carefully, is, I can do a magic trick with it. I take a long piece of my Alfalfa King in my mouth, nibble away, whisper a couple of Abracadabras and look what comes out the other end! Neat or what? This one is called Carrot Tops in a Pretty Jug.

Not very original but it fits the bill. No tricks with this one just straight forward munching at high speed. The aim is to get it emptied as quickly as possible so it can be filled up again.

It must be sofa-cuddle time about now. I like to get there first so I'm in the middle for our shared dish of fruit. Got to have my five-a-day to keep me fit.

Toenails and Tinsel

I went to my doctor today to have my toe nails trimmed. It didn't hurt but I shivered my back legs a bit just to show them I wasn't a pushover. One of my toes sticks right out at the side but it doesn't matter. I can still design cardboard boxes.

There was a huge rabbit there at the same time as me. Pity I forgot to take my camera. She just fitted in her carrier. Her head touched one end and her scut the other. It was difficult to believe she was all rabbit. Some of her could have been deer. Her family said she lives in the garden mainly and comes to her bed at the same time every night even when she hasn't been called. What a show off.

My doctor said I was very fit and and after squidging my middle put me back in my basket. He said dwarf bunnies can live longer than the larger breeds. So there. He looked a bit tired I thought. He'd had a very busy day operating on cats and rabbits which are his speciality. I'm glad I picked a specialist.

I huffed when I got home but nobody took any notice. Sometimes I wish I could talk properly to let them know I don't like going to the vet. If I get enough practice I might be able to do that so I'm going to start with a bit of stage work, just going backwards and forwards through the curtain, then I'll go on to a bit of Shakespeare.

A busy day

Visitors again today, just when I was busily working on my exhibition. I'd got as far as arranging my two boxes as well as doing some extra frilling around my morning nap bed. Getting the notice fixed to the door was a bit difficult but with help we managed.

While J put the kettle on I took Gillean outside to show her my herb patch. I could tell she was impressed with my scrapes because she chatted to me for ages until J came out with the tea-pot and cups and saucers. Once they were settled I wasn't needed anymore so I hopped it.

Suddenly there was a bit of a commotion outside. J shouted to M that I had vanished and was I with him because nobody could find me in the garden. They all got into a tizzy until J checked the time and asked if I had gone in to watch the news. M came to look and found me. For some reason this made Gillean laugh a lot. What she found funny about me going in to watch the news I can't guess. I do it every day at the same time and was sitting patiently in my usual place waiting for someone to switch on the TV. Nothing funny about that .

Humans are an odd lot.

Rabbits in the garden.

These rabbits are in my friend Celia's garden and she can watch them play through her window. I haven't met them but I would like to. They don't have anybody telling them what not to do all day. Lucky things. I think I've worked out why it's so hard for me to clean myself properly. Just look at the shape of their faces then look at mine. Flat as a pancake! They have such nicely pointed heads so they can reach all the places a rabbit needs to reach to keep clean. Mind you I wouldn't want to stick my face down there so it's ok. I think I am much more adorable the way I am. Yesterday was a bit worrying though. They shut me out of the house by mistake and I was all by myself for hours. I could have starved to death if I hadn't managed to stay alive by eating bean leaves. And parsley and mint and rocket. It was tough but I managed it. I wonder whether I can persuade them to shut me out again today.

It was all of half an hour Harve. Don't exaggerate. We realised as soon as you weren't bobbing up and down in front of the television screen preventing us from watching the 6 o-clock news.

Lisa, Alison and Me

This is my friend,Lisa. I had some new hay from her. You can see some of it stuck in my willow ball. Good stuff to nibble. You can find Lisa on http://www.thehayexperts.co.uk/

I was my naughtiest ever last week. Alison came to stay and slept in my bedroom with me and guess what I did? At five-o-clock in the morning I thumped. Over and over again I thumped. I thumped for an hour but she wouldn't get up. My hay and water bowl were with me so I carried as much hay as I could over to my water bowl and stuffed it in there until it spilled over. Then I pooped outside my litter tray but she still didn't get up.

Now, I love Alison but there are some things I just won't share. One of them is my bedroom.

I've definitely blown it because she was going to give me a PhD for my work on my diary because that's her job but she says I can't have one now. Professional hay Devourer I would have been and I could have put the letters after my name. I'm a bit upset. I wish I hadn't done it now.

Anyway, the good news is my vegetable and herb patch is doing well. I keep a check on it- make the odd scrape to keep the soil in condition and so on. I never nibble stuff unless it is in my bowl though. Well. you have to keep standards up when you are a house rabbit. Except for the business with Alison. Oh, dear!

Place your orders

Place your orders here please for H B Rabbit Cardboard Box Inc. Windows and Doors a speciality.Artistically designed to your own requirement. Tracy Emin eat your heart out.

My friend Celia sent me this willow ball. Good fun if things like grapes, hay or strips of carrot are stuck in it. Must tell her how quickly they disappear. She bought it in outer space I think..

I told you so

I told you so! I knew it. I knew it I knew it I knew it! I've been to have the dreaded Rearguard and have been huffing with my face towards the wall for hours. I tried to hide up J's jumper but could only manage to get my head there with my bum sticking out so the vet got me! How did he know I was there when he couldn't see my face? Darn clever these cat and rabbit specialists.Anyway it's over and done with for another year so I can relax without the worry of being eaten alive by fly maggots. It only seems to be sheep and bunnies that have the fly strike problem. There'll be extra parsley and rocket later and maybe extra carrot. Anything with a strong flavour will take the nasty taste of that Rearguard away. Might even get a sniff of a digestive biscuit. Just look at what I had to put up with.

Ready for summer

Mr Sparkle came to clean my kitchen rug today. I tried to help him but I was scooped up and put in another room. Somebody always spoils my fun. I was just trying to tug his sheets and put them in reasonable order. This is one of my specialities. He asked if they were sure I wasn't a soft toy. He also said he sees quite a lot of house rabbits and they jump out at him when he least expects it. I was pleased about that. That's another of my specialities. Jumping out at people.

There is a sniff of bad news in the air. My rear end is being checked more than once a day which means either the dreaded Rearguard is imminent or they'll take me for another shave. I hate Rearguard. It makes me feel poorly for a couple of days or so. It's all those chemicals I expect but I have to clean myself, don't I and that's when I lick the stuff. I only have it when they go away in warm weather which is also bad news although I stay in my own home and have servants who take good care of me. They are all well trained, for humans and I am so irresistibly cute they do whatever I tell them so it's not so bad. I wonder when I will get a holiday? I'm going to think about where I would like to go while I have a nap.

Ducklings ahoy

What a morning! The ducklings in my garden hatched and you should have heard the noise their mother made. You'd think they were ostrich eggs. I grant you fifteen babies at one time is a bit of a shock for any mother especially one who didn't think ahead and plan how she was going to get them all over a six foot wall. One dashed into my utility room to escape my PCG who was trying to get them into a cardboard box to take them down the lane to the river. I gave it one of my looks as much as to say push off mate but it hid behind my hay bowl. I have to admit they were all very good speed runners although they were only a few minutes old. What chaos!

We managed to catch fourteen of them as well as the mother duck so the garden is all mine again. Don't know what happened to the fifteenth.

I got my spare bed ready in case it needs to stay for the odd night. It takes quite a long time to get the blankets just right for a duckling. I hope it doesn't sit in my water bowl.

Identity crisis

It's Easter and I'm a bunny. An Easter bunny. At least I thought I was so why isn't my name on at least one of my dishes? My two big hay bowls say DOG. My crunchie dish has a picture of a cat on the bottom and the bowl for my greens is covered with chickens! It's very confusing and a bit depressing when you think about it. Obviously they can't love me enough to buy a dish for me with a rabbit on it. I've been given all the old cast-offs, all the old hand-me-downs.

Oh well, as long as they keep putting food in them I mustn't grumble

So that's why you toss your dish around the floor! We will look for a bowl with rabbits on it, Harve.

In trouble

Oh boy, am I in trouble. First of all I flicked the lid of a dish someone had put on my window seat look-out and accidentally chipped a bit off. I only wanted to look inside in case a bit of carrot might have been hidden there. After all they're always hiding tasty things in different places for me to find in case I get bored. How was I to know it was a special hundred year old tureen? Who wants something that old anyway? What's the use in having something in the kitchen if there's no food in it? Pointless.

Then I wrecked the humane mousetrap by tossing it about in the utility room on the tiles. I could smell some delicious cereal inside and why should the mouse have it instead of me? It was on the floor, my floor, so it should have been mine. Anyway, it's broken now so I'm going to forget all about it. It's all their fault for temptng me to hunt for food in odd places.

I tried to make up for it by helping the plumber but I've been hiding most of today. They won't know where I am and they'll regret shouting at me when they think I've left home.

Back to normal

More visitors so more work for me on the entertainment front. It's all a bit much for this ageing rabbit especially the lack of respect the uninitiated can show regarding the preferences of house bunnies. One of the first-time guests actually tried to pick me up but I niftily shot through his fingers before he had the chance to haul me into the air. The nerve of it but as you know I never hold grudges so I allowed him to give me a decent sized piece of carrot after a minute or two to let him know he was forgiven. That's one thing he learned. Rabbits are ground creatures and hate being waved around like the Union flag. I expect he thought my beautiful lop ears were wings and was trying to get me airborne. Funny things humans and this particular one was from Norway. They probably don't have rabbits in those foreign countries.

Things are back to normal now and my bedroom is free. As far as everybody else is concerned I've got 'em nicely pinned down.

Sprouts.

My teatime is a bit miserable at present. Everything has turned white outside so there's no sweet,juicy grass and my parsley and mint are buried under a foot of snow. Just look at my garden.

And who's are these paw prints? Not mine.

My primary care givers can't get the car up the hill and out of the village to get to the supermarket

so I'm having to make do with broccolli stalks and carrot as well as my 22 grams of crunchies and my dried grass. The snag is, they've decided to hide sprout leaves under it all.Ugh! I can't stand the smelly things. I leave them every single time but she still sneaks a leaf in. Tossing my dish as far away as I can when I get to the sprout should be a big enough hint and it's quite a heavy dish but they still haven't got the message.

Still, it's sunbeam time again so I make do with what's on offer and then snooze in the warm patches which is usually just where they want to walk. There's always something a house rabbit can do do make his presence felt and show his displeasure. Roll on spring with it's grassy shoots and Valerian.

Cleaning, walking and digestive biscuits.

When it's wash and brush up time I won't speak to anybody. Even if the Queen came she'd have to wait until I had finished. I might just give way for a bit of banana but it would have to be right under my nose because cleaning and titivating is a very serious and ongoing business.. I love to feel spanking clean and smelling just of rabbit then I like to finish with a long s-t-r-e-t-c-h. On the odd occasion, after my stretch I might walk a few steps or so. Bet you thought I could only hop! The first time my primary care giver saw me she was almost hysterical. "He's walking on all four legs" she squealed. Well. what else would I use for walking. I'll need to be more circumspect another time. I worry when she gets too excited. It's not good for her heart and I need to be cherished for few more years to come. Anyway, you can't get up much speed walking and your bum tends to stick up in the air instead of being neatly tucked up underneath on the floor.

What else has been happening? Oh, yes. Yesterday I found one of the most delicious things in the world. It's called a digestive biscuit. It was casually sitting there on a plate on the coffee table waiting for me so I took it. I could smell it was meant for me, all sugary and cereally and munchy. So why did she get all uptight and chase me? It fell to bits as I ran so I didn't get much more than a quick nibble. Life can be so unfair. Digestive biscuits. Mmmm. Must have a nap near the fire and dream about them.

Shove over, I was here first.

Dear Harvey

Now look here rabbit. Put this in your diary! All this business about dogs being stupid, looking silly and what not is wearing a bit thin. You think you are the only one who has life tagged? Do you think you are the only one who can organise humans to your advantage? Well, think again. We dogs holiday in foreign countries you have never dreamed about. We swim in rivers and in the sea to our hearts' content. We go on fantastic walks, we share a bedroom with our humans and we take the best chairs nearest to a fire. And do you think you are the only species who can binkie? Take a look at this, rabbit.

You say we shouldn't wear coats and shoes. We'll have you know dogs are intrepid explorers. All explorers wear special outfits. Brave fire dogs who investigate burnt out buildings wear shoes and rescue dogs wear protective stuff. We are heroes. We laugh in the face of danger. What do rabbits do? They hide in holes and under tables.

We know how to wrap our humans round our paws just by gazing up at them. You have a lot to learn, rabbit and by the way, who was clever enough to get rid of a pesky bunny who used to take our humans attention away from us? I, Roxy! And who was Miss September on a famous calendar? I, Willow.

Think again, rabbit. Think again.

You can choose your friends but ...

When you are a free range house rabbit mornings tend to be the busiest time. I'm never bored doing the same thing every day. I like my ritual. First I eat my smackeral of carrot, carry out my, er.., ablutions, dash upstairs to muddle my bed in case someone has straightened it, make them open all the doors so I can check downstairs rooms and let them know when it's time for my crunchies. Then I hunt for the warmest spot in the house. It could be a radiator or in front of the log burning stove or the spot under the kitchen table where the pipes run along. I've sorted them all. I was living this reasonable, sensible, intelligent sort of life until I saw these pictures. Oh the shame. Oh the embarrassment to this rabbit, how some animals will allow themselves to be treated.

I told you my dog Willow and Roxy my nemesis had gone skiing. Well, because their feet bleed in deep, sharp snow they now have snow shoes.You will cringe with me when you see this latest H B Rabbit film when they first tried them on.

I'm told they work brilliantly, their paws are fine and they even get excited when they are having shoes put on because they know they will be going outside. Dogs never cease to amaze me. I'm a patient chap but would never allow anything so ridiculous to be done to me.

I've managed to put a couple of comments on your blog, Lennie. Your photographs are splendid. What brilliant photographers your humans are. I know how stressful it is when you are a celebrity. Keep up the mad activities while you are young. Keep them on their toes.